Protecting My Own Sleep Is Also Caregiving: Sleep Principles Caregivers Set for Themselves

By Columnist Kim Mi-hee

Sleep Is Not Whatever Time Is Left After Caregiving

In a caregiver’s day, sleep is always what happens in the time left over. Only after preparing meals, giving medication, checking hospital appointments and finishing the housework does my turn finally come. But leftover time can shrink at any moment, and when even one more task is added, sleep is the first thing to be cut. As we sleep a little less day after day, we can go on without even knowing why we feel so tired.

When I was caring for my parents, I too thought of late nights as the only time that was truly mine. After everyone had fallen asleep, scrolling through my phone or getting a head start on the next day’s chores felt like rest. But the more those nights piled up, the harder the following mornings became, and even small things set my nerves on edge. It was then that I learned, in my own body, that the quality of care ultimately depends on the condition of the person giving it.

So today I would like to suggest a small shift in thinking. Taking care of my own sleep is not a luxury that takes me away from caregiving; it is what allows me to keep caregiving for the long haul. There are widely known principles of good sleep habits, but rather than trying to follow them like someone else’s rules, I hope you will turn them into promises you set for yourself, suited to your own circumstances. Principles you choose yourself give you a place to return to, even on the days you cannot keep them.

Anchoring the Day: Start by Setting Your Wake-Up Time

When people talk about sleep habits, the first thing usually mentioned is waking up at around the same time every day. We often think the time we fall asleep is what matters, but in practice, the one that is easier to control is the time we get up. Sleep does not come just because we call for it, but the time we wake up is ours to decide. A consistent morning is known to help the body remember the rhythm of the day.

In caregiving, there are nights when you wake several times. Between helping a parent to the bathroom and listening for the sounds of them tossing and turning, dawn arrives all too quickly. On the following morning, it is only natural to want to sleep even a little longer. But on days you wake up late, sleep is slow to come that night, and then the next morning starts late again, so the rhythm of the day can easily drift bit by bit.

That is why I recommend trying, as much as possible, to keep your wake-up time even after a restless night. When you get up, open the curtains first and spend a moment by the window in the morning light. On days when you are truly worn out, make up for it with a short nap in the early afternoon, and it is best to avoid sleeping long close to evening. If you set your morning down like an anchor for the day, you will not drift away entirely, even on unsteady days.

The Comforting Cup of Coffee: Set a Time for It

For caregivers, coffee is often more than just a drink. A cup sipped in a hospital waiting room while waiting your turn, or a cup that barely keeps you going when your body sags in the afternoon, is also a small comfort. However, caffeine is known to linger in the body for quite a while after you drink it, so a late-afternoon coffee can affect your sleep that night. This is not about giving up coffee, but about deciding for yourself how late you will drink it.

If you think back over your day, there is usually no set time for coffee. You reach for it whenever you are tired, whenever someone offers, whenever you want a short break. It is surprisingly easy to forget that things other than coffee, such as green tea, black tea and chocolate, also contain caffeine. A single cup of tea after dinner may be what made that night feel so long.

How about setting a rule like this? Drink coffee only until around lunchtime, and after that switch to barley tea or a warm caffeine-free tea. You keep the comfort of a warm cup in your hands and simply change what is in it. There may be days when you want a drink to unwind before bed, but alcohol is known to make sleep lighter, so I suggest leaving that role to another habit.

Before Sleep, a Time to Turn Off the Lights of the Mind One by One

There are nights when your body is lying down but your mind is still in the middle of the day. Thoughts line up one after another: tomorrow’s hospital appointment, medication that is running low, the calls you need to make to your siblings. Because caregivers spend their days constantly on alert, that tension easily follows them into bed. That is why, before sleep, we need time to slowly set down not only the body but the mind as well.

You have probably had the experience of holding on to your phone for a long time in bed, or being unable to fall asleep because you were straining to hear sounds from your parents’ room. When worrying and planning in bed become a habit, the bed turns into a place for thinking rather than a place for rest. And the longer you force yourself to lie there when sleep will not come, the more anxious you become. At times like that, it may be better to get up for a while, sit quietly under a soft light in the living room, and lie back down when you feel drowsy.

I recommend creating one ritual for before sleep. Turn off the main light, switch on just the bedside lamp, and write down on paper the tasks for tomorrow that keep circling in your head. Once they are written down, you feel the relief of not having to hold on to them right now. Putting a drop of a scent you love on a handkerchief and placing it by your pillow can also become a signal that the day is ending. I hope you will think of scent not as a tool that brings sleep for you, but as a gentle sign telling yourself that it is now all right to rest.

Principles Exist for the Days You Cannot Keep Them

Even with these principles in place, nights of caregiving are unpredictable. There are days when a parent’s condition suddenly worsens, and nights when you must stay by their side until morning. If you blame yourself on those days for failing to keep your principles, they stop helping you and become a burden that drives you into a corner. Principles are not set so that you can follow them perfectly, but to mark the way back on the day after things fall apart.

Caregivers are usually hardest on themselves. They tell their parents it is all right, to take their time, yet never say those words to themselves. On the morning after a restless night, looking at the tired face in the mirror, you may feel heavy-hearted, wondering whether you cannot even manage this much. But that fatigue is not laziness; it is the mark of having faithfully cared for someone.

So once a night you could not keep has passed, simply start again the next morning by getting up at your usual time and opening the curtains. If you wake often during the night, try taking turns with family members, or ask for at least one night a week when you can sleep through. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but the wisdom to keep caring for the long term. Asking others to protect your sleep is, in the end, a way of protecting our family, too.

For more heart-care stories, visit the Korea Self-Healing Association.

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[ Reporter Kim Mi-hee: incheonsouth@thekoreantoday.com ]

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