By Columnist Kim Mi-hee
Why Words Keep Missing Each Other
Caring for a parent means saying the same things over and over: take your medicine, be careful not to fall, don’t forget the hospital appointment. What starts out gentle can turn sharp by the third or fourth repetition, and parents often sense that edge before we do. They respond defensively or avoid the conversation altogether, and we’re left with a quiet hurt, wondering why they’re being so stubborn.
This kind of friction rarely comes from a lack of love. More often, it comes from a way of speaking that has hardened into judgment and instruction. Phrases like “Why haven’t you taken it again?” or “How many times do I have to tell you?” carry judgment up front, so the listener feels blamed before anything else registers. For a parent, having a body that no longer works the way it used to is hard enough on its own; being scolded by their own child on top of that makes it only natural for them to shut down. The words may be the same, but the feeling they carry ends up completely reversed.
Nonviolent Communication: An Unfamiliar Name, a Simple Framework
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a framework developed by the scholar Marshall Rosenberg. The name may sound unfamiliar, but the structure is surprisingly simple. It guides a conversation through four steps, in order: observation, feeling, need and request. I have often used this framework in social work and caregiving settings, both as a communication technique and as a caregiving tool. It isn’t psychotherapy — it’s closer to a speaking practice that anyone can learn and put to use right away.
Briefly, the four steps work like this. Observation means stating the facts as they are, without judgment. Feeling means naming the emotion you experienced in that moment. Need means identifying the real desire underneath that feeling. Request means turning that desire into a specific, gentle ask. Following this sequence naturally shifts a conversation away from “you did something wrong” and toward “here is how I feel, and here is what I’d like to ask of you.” You don’t need to memorize it word for word — simply holding these four steps in mind, in order, can already change the tone of a conversation.
Observation and Feeling — Practicing Letting Go of Judgment
The first thing to practice is observation: stating only the facts, without judgment mixed in. This is harder than it sounds. Instead of “Dad, you’re always so stubborn,” an observation would be “Dad, you didn’t take your medicine this morning.” Words like “always” or “stubborn” already carry an evaluation, which makes the other person want to push back. A sentence that sticks to facts, on the other hand, leaves little room for denial and is easier to simply accept.
Next comes adding a feeling. After “You didn’t take your medicine,” you might add, “I’m worried.” What matters here is distinguishing feelings from thoughts. “I feel like I’m being ignored” is closer to a judgment dressed up as a thought, while words like “disappointed,” “worried” or “upset” are closer to genuine feelings. Instead of snapping “Why won’t you eat this?” when your parent leaves food on the table, try saying, “I’m worried you’re leaving so much.” Even in the same situation, you may notice their expression soften a little.
Need and Request — Expressing What You Want and Asking for It
After the feeling comes the step of identifying the need underneath it — what you actually want. Underneath worry, there is usually a need along the lines of “I want us to stay healthy and together for a long time.” Simply putting that need into words changes the character of the conversation. Instead of the accusation “Why won’t you take your medicine?”, saying “I’m worried about your health” conveys your feelings fully without cornering the other person.
The final step, the request, closes things out with something specific and doable. Instead of a vague “Please try harder from now on,” a concrete ask such as “Starting tomorrow, could I call you after breakfast to check whether you’ve taken your medicine?” lets your parent know exactly what’s being asked, and leaves them free to decide whether to agree. The key is that a request, unlike a demand, leaves the other person’s choice intact. Put all four steps together, and you get one complete sentence: “You didn’t take your medicine this morning. I’m worried. I want you to stay healthy for a long time. Could I call to check in the mornings starting tomorrow?”
In Caregiving, and With Ourselves
This framework can help just as much when sharing caregiving duties with siblings, or communicating with a care worker or home-care aide. Instead of “Why do you never come by?”, try “I took Mom to the hospital by myself three times last month. It was hard, and I’d really like to share this with you. Could you come along to next Tuesday’s appointment?” That turns the conversation from blame into a request, and the other person can hear your ask without needing to get defensive.
And these four steps aren’t only for parents — they can be turned toward ourselves as well. Instead of scolding yourself at the end of an exhausting day of caregiving with “Why am I so impatient?”, try saying, “I lost my temper three times today. I was worn out, and I wanted some rest too. Tonight, let me just sit alone for ten minutes.” The person doing the caring deserves to have their own feelings observed, felt and acknowledged, too.
Today’s Heart-Care Practice
★☆☆Think of one sentence you’d like to say to your parent today. Before you speak, pause, take a deep breath in and out, and check whether the sentence contains a judgment word — “always,” “why do you keep,” “stubborn.” Simply rephrasing a judgment into a factual statement can soften how the conversation begins.
★★☆Once a day, rest your palm gently on your chest and name your current feeling in a single word. A simple word like worried, disappointed or grateful is enough. Making a habit of naming your feelings can help you sort out your own mind and make your next words a little less sharp.
★★★When you have the time, set two chairs facing each other with a small flower or potted plant between them. Rather than sitting side by side with your parent, sit facing them, and in the afternoon light, practice describing the day’s events one sentence at a time, following the order of observation, feeling, need and request. A small ritual like changing the space can shift the mindset you bring to the conversation as well.
This way of speaking won’t come naturally overnight, so it’s fine to feel clumsy with it at first. If conflict runs deep or emotions keep flaring up, it may help to seek out a professional counseling service or your local community welfare center alongside the techniques in this article.
For more heart-care stories, visit the Korea Self-Healing Association.
Kim Mi-hee — aromatherapist, social worker, certified care worker, and hospital companion manager — draws on her own experience caring for aging parents to write practical, useful guidance for caregivers in the same situation. The Korean Today, Nam-Incheon.
#WeAreTeacherMindCareSignal #NonviolentCommunication #CaregivingConversations #TalkingWithParents #SelfCare #SouthIncheon
[ Reporter Kim Mi-hee: incheonsouth@thekoreantoday.com ]
Become a Local Ambassador Apply as Branch Director The Korean Today — Nam-Incheon
 |
Leave a Reply